What I am NOT asking for this Christmas...

Yeah, that's all I need.  A tweeting scale to let everyone in the world know what I weigh.

Seriously, though, the tweeting is optional and the graphs are pretty cool.  I also read an article somewhere (I'll have to look it up when I have some time) that says people are more successful at weight control when they can see and track their weight over time.  This scale would be the perfect way to do it.

If you know...

...Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen, then why do you have to ask if you recall the MOST FAMOUS reindeer of all?

Just wonderin'...

The most awesome dance I've ever seen...

But then, I can be biased since this is one of my daughters at her dance recital. She was selected to do a solo and I think the teacher made a good choice! By the way, yes, I did miss the beginning of the dance, but I have a good excuse*, sorta.

*She was listed as being fifth on the program but the fourth dancer looked somewhat familiar in the blue dimness. As the music started I ask my wife, "Is that her?" "I don't know..." "Ahhh!! That is her! Ahhh!!" As I fumble with the buttons, frantically trying to get the recorder started. Sigh... But isn't she just great?

Office Christmas party?

Okay, this is too funny not to pass along. It came in an email from a co-worker of mine. Start at the top and read on (and hopefully I don't offend anyone...)

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.

Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty



Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree, and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2008
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel
that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2008
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are!

I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work for you?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be availablefor those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2008
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing weirdoes can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!



Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!
Joan

Hitting the big Five-Oh

No, I'm personally not hitting 50 yet. However, with this entry, I have proudly hit 50 posts for the year, surpassing my 49 in 2006! Woo-hoo! Okay, okay, I know some of you can do 50 posts in a week, but hey, I'm a busy bunny.

Anyway, congrats to me! You may all return to your regularly scheduled lives now.

"Working in a Winter Wonderland..."

It may have been mostly rain and rain trying to pretend to be snowflakes at my house, but up here at work, it definitely dumped! I was told that over the weekend, it was probably 18" total. Pretty to look at. Not so fun to drive in...

"I've never heard such a stupid question!"

Well, I've never heard such a stupid response!

In this tough economy, there are a number of people out of work. Some maybe for the first time in their careers. However, even that is not an excuse to provide some of the answers that these people did.

Some of my favorites...

Why did you leave your last job?

"I have a problem with authority."

What are your weaknesses?

"I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you."

Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it.

"I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement."

There are quite a few good ones there. If you're interviewing for a job, make sure not to use these responses...