What I am NOT asking for this Christmas...

Yeah, that's all I need.  A tweeting scale to let everyone in the world know what I weigh.

Seriously, though, the tweeting is optional and the graphs are pretty cool.  I also read an article somewhere (I'll have to look it up when I have some time) that says people are more successful at weight control when they can see and track their weight over time.  This scale would be the perfect way to do it.

If you know...

...Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen, then why do you have to ask if you recall the MOST FAMOUS reindeer of all?

Just wonderin'...

The most awesome dance I've ever seen...

But then, I can be biased since this is one of my daughters at her dance recital. She was selected to do a solo and I think the teacher made a good choice! By the way, yes, I did miss the beginning of the dance, but I have a good excuse*, sorta.

*She was listed as being fifth on the program but the fourth dancer looked somewhat familiar in the blue dimness. As the music started I ask my wife, "Is that her?" "I don't know..." "Ahhh!! That is her! Ahhh!!" As I fumble with the buttons, frantically trying to get the recorder started. Sigh... But isn't she just great?

Office Christmas party?

Okay, this is too funny not to pass along. It came in an email from a co-worker of mine. Start at the top and read on (and hopefully I don't offend anyone...)

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.

Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty



Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree, and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2008
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel
that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2008
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are!

I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work for you?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be availablefor those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2008
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing weirdoes can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!



Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!
Joan

Hitting the big Five-Oh

No, I'm personally not hitting 50 yet. However, with this entry, I have proudly hit 50 posts for the year, surpassing my 49 in 2006! Woo-hoo! Okay, okay, I know some of you can do 50 posts in a week, but hey, I'm a busy bunny.

Anyway, congrats to me! You may all return to your regularly scheduled lives now.

"Working in a Winter Wonderland..."

It may have been mostly rain and rain trying to pretend to be snowflakes at my house, but up here at work, it definitely dumped! I was told that over the weekend, it was probably 18" total. Pretty to look at. Not so fun to drive in...

"I've never heard such a stupid question!"

Well, I've never heard such a stupid response!

In this tough economy, there are a number of people out of work. Some maybe for the first time in their careers. However, even that is not an excuse to provide some of the answers that these people did.

Some of my favorites...

Why did you leave your last job?

"I have a problem with authority."

What are your weaknesses?

"I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you."

Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it.

"I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement."

There are quite a few good ones there. If you're interviewing for a job, make sure not to use these responses...

Awww... how sweet.

I follow a deal site called DealNews that gives readers info on sale items it finds. Here's a typical example.

What's sweet was a one-person deal that showed up the other day.

Everybody all together now. Awwww....

So how does this make sense?...

I got an ad for computers via email today. Pretty normal, eh? But here's something I just don't understand. Take a look at this ad...

Windows. Life without walls. Now, if we don't have walls, why do we need Windows? Hmmm?

Pop Quiz time!

Okay, here are four questions. Let's see how you do. Correct answers to be posted in a few days. (No cheating by looking them up on the internet...)

1. A pencil and a pad of paper costs a total of $1.10. The pad of paper costs $1 more than the pencil. How much does the pencil cost?
2. If it takes five do-hickies 5 minutes to make five widgets, how long would it take 100 do-hickies to make 100 widgets?
3. In a lake, there is a patch of lily pads. Every day, the patch doubles in size. If it takes 48 days for the patch to cover the entire lake, how long would it take for the patch to cover half of it?
4. Joe is checking out Jill. Jill is checking out Jack. Joe is married, Jack is not. Is a married person checking out an unmarried person? (a) Yes, (b) No, (c) Cannot be determined.

Check back in the comments in a few days and I'll have the answers for you. :)

Something doesn't make sense here...

(#15) Lambert said. "This is in no way indicative of my character or the soccer player that I am."

So do her words speak louder? Or do her actions?



By the way, Lambert is "suspended indefinitely," for now. Good for UNM. But if UNM's "character" is anything like Lambert's, I'm afraid we'll see her for the first game next season. Too bad UNM lost so there are no more games for Lambert to miss this season despite her best efforts...

I've got my reason now. So what's yours?

Software developers are just naturally weird.

There are worse ways to spend a late afternoon...

Sunset at Laguna Beach

A great commencement speech

So, I'm a little late. What else is new?

Here's a great commencement speech from Ellen DeGeneres at Tulane University this past summer. In it, a great message we should all remember.

Believe it or not, it seemed to work better in IE than FireFox, but that just may be because of all the security I have on FireFox. Either way, in the Table of Contents, go down to "Key Note Speech by Ellen DeGeneres" (at 1:16:46) and go from there. Be sure to stick around for the dancing!

Free Love and GTP, baby

Wow! Does this take me back. I saw this in my freshman Biology class way back in... well, never mind. But it is so classic. If you have any interest or knowledge about cellular processes and haven't seen this, it is a must-see! If you have no interest, just watch it for the entertainment value.

Peace, love, ATP and TCA.

...and never the twain shall meet...

Yes, I have an iPhone. Yes, I have RC airplanes. But put the two together? Never! However, these guys just created an ad for Apple, I think. :)

Acckkk! Run! Hide! Marry Frodo!

It's Deep Impact! What good is it to rescue our banks if we're going to be conked on the head by an asteroid?

*By the way, you won't get the "Marry Frodo" reference unless you see the movie and know who Elijah Wood is. Research is left to the reader as an exercise. :)

I guess she didn't want to wear fur...

This is just one of those things you see, shake your head about, and move on. Or you write a blog post. Yes, it's a dress made out of meat...

I'd pay to cut people's lawns with this!

I know what lawnmower I'm asking for when it goes to production! Check it out!

From Husqvarna

So you think you're a fisher-"man"?

Well, you ain't no man 'til you catch a fish this way.

Separated at birth?

I'm as big a fan of Wilford Brimley as the next bunny, but I have to admit, they must be related...

For other Wilford cats, see the link here...

Another Cosmically Cool Camera Capture

Check out the picture below.  It's of the sun (yes, our sun) taken at 1/8000 of a second.  Pretty nifty in itself, but that's not the really cool thing.  Can you see the little teeny, tiny black dot in the lower left quadrant?  Can you guess what it is?

You probably can't tell from that picture.  Let me post a higher resolution photo now.  Click on the picture below to bring it up to full size and look at the spot again.  Can you see it now?  Does it look to be in the shape of, oh, maybe a... shuttle?  Maybe a shuttle named Atlantis?  And how about that little dot just below it?  Why, it's none other than the Hubble Space Telescope!

Thanks to one of my new favorite sites, Bad Astronomy, now a part of Discovery, for these pics.

Paper just doesn't grow on trees, you know...

Happy Earth Day all!

A cosmically cool camera capture

This picture was just too cool to not post.  What is it?  According to the author of the post I originally saw this, it's "a giant blue hand reaching for a giant piece of cosmic smoked salmon".

Okay, he was just kidding.  Apparently it's a, ummm..., well, big sucker.  I can't explain it without cutting and pasting it.   Just visit the site for more information if you're curious (and I hope you are).

Huh?!? What!?! We coulda avoided these problems?!?...

Here's a news story from 1999.  That's right.  Ten years ago.  Why should that interest you?  Read on...

It's about how Congress overwhelmingly passed a bill easing restrictions on what banks could but more importantly, could not do.  From the story, "The original idea behind Glass-Steagall was that separation between bankers and brokers would reduce the potential conflicts of interest that were thought to have contributed to the speculative stock frenzy before the Depression."

I'm not going to pin the blame of our current economic crisis on this one act of congress, but it sure didn't help.  And I'm not going to blame one party, since it looked like most everyone was on board this piece of art.  However, there were a few dissenting voices.  Among them was Senator Byron L. Dorgan, D, ND, who was quoted in the story:

''I think we will look back in 10 years' time and say we should not have done this but we did because we forgot the lessons of the past, and that that which is true in the 1930's is true in 2010,'' said Senator Byron L. Dorgan, Democrat of North Dakota. ''I wasn't around during the 1930's or the debate over Glass-Steagall. But I was here in the early 1980's when it was decided to allow the expansion of savings and loans. We have now decided in the name of modernization to forget the lessons of the past, of safety and of soundness.''

Ummm... Yup.  I'd say we're doing a good job of forgetting the past, not learning, and shooting ourselves in the foot, if not the head!

More Peanuts anyone?

Peanuts is one of my favorite comic strips.  The Charlie Brown specials were also something I looked forward to every year.   I mean, who could forget his famous Christmas Tree?

I see that you can actually read Charles Schulz's entire strip starting from the October 2, 1950 strip up to the very last one on February 13, 2000 (a total of 17,897 strips according to Wikipedia).

Such a deal! (for college students)

If you're a college student and are looking for a great deal on the Microsoft Office Suite, look no further than Microsoft itself.

They are selling Office Ultimate 2007 for $60!  Of course, you'll need to prove you're a student by providing a valid .edu email address and proof that you're enrolled in at least a .5 unit course--at least they say they'll ask for proof.

Also, if you're more into software development (on the geekier side of computing), you can download some developer tools for free provided you can show proof that you're a student.  This one is a little trickier for me.  My university isn't on the list, but they do provide other ways to let me show I'm a student, although it does involve more steps. 

Definition of Cruel Irony

I'm at that age now where I need reading glasses.  Unfortunately, the pair I have at work has a screw that gets loose, and fairly often at that.  So to fix it, I have to grab a jeweler's or electronic's phillips screwdriver, you know, one of those really small ones so I can tighten that screw.  The problem?  There are two.  The first is that it's a really small, tiny, itsy-bitsy, teenie-weenie screw.  The second problem is that I have to take the glasses off to tighten the screw.  This, of course, means that I can't see the small, tiny, itsy-bitsy, teenie-weenie screw because I need the glasses to be able to see it clearly!  Oh, cruel, cruel world...

I didn't even know we were related!

This is just too cool.  I didn't even know the President was on Facebook!  Now if that Nigerian prince would just deposit that $3 Million that he promised me into my bank account, I could go visit cousin President...

If you think your water tastes bad...

...at least it doesn't burn your mouth.

How to really impress your prom date...

I guess it would be impressive mostly if your prom date worked in construction...

However, since it is prom season, and if you're a handy guy or gal, be sure to make (not buy, make!) a corsage or boutonniere.  The instructions are for a corsage, but can be easily adapted for a boutonniere.  And what do you make it out of?  Why, duct tape, of course!

And while you're at it, make yourself or your date a handsome duct tape wallet.

To make those memories last for as long as possible, be sure to use nuclear strength duct tape.

Oh, is there nothing you couldn't do with duct tape?  MacGyver would be proud!

Another quickie question...

Wow.  It's been awhile since my last post.  Well, here's a quickie for this first day of spring...

What does the word "equinox" mean?  Again, no cheating by running to Google... :)

A couple of easy questions before I head off to lunch...

I want you to answer these really quickly.  No cheating by looking them up on the Internet...

1) After those two satellites collided a few weeks back, what is the biggest satellite now circling the earth?

2) What is the brightest star in the sky?

You know you're getting old when...

Last night I hurt my neck.  Muscle strain or something.  It hurts to tilt my head to the left.  I think I did it while wrestling that Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker.  Okay, would you believe while playing one-on-one with Booz?  No?

Okay, I hurt it while running on the treadmill.  Looking straight ahead.  How the heck do you hurt your neck running on a treadmill?!  The answer:  I'm getting old...

Got 7 1/2 minutes to kill?

Check out this video of a video camera taking a ride around a sushi conveyor belt.  Better than you think it might be...

Happy Birthday, Theodor Geisel!

Theodor ("Ted") Geisel worked for over 15 years as an illustrator for advertising campaigns, including for a pesticide...

But this isn't really what he was known for.  You'd probably know him better as Dr. Seuss.

What great news! Let's go celebrate with a Big Mac!

Salt Lake City has been named Men's Fitness magazine's "Fittest City in America" for 2009 according to this January press release out of Salt Lake City (opens a PDF).  I don't live in SLC proper, so I guess I'm not one of the fittest, but there must be some halo effect there somewhere, right?  Hmmm... I better get out there and run today...

The country's fattest city?  Try Miami, FL.  Yeah, I'm stunned too.  I suppose not every woman there's going to look like Emily Procter.  Oh, well.

By the way, my hometown of Fresno, CA came in as #22 (on the fittest side) this year.

The Wheels on the Bus...

The other evening, I had the privilege of being a "bus usher" for tours of the new LDS Temple in Draper.  It's a beautiful Temple set up on a hillside and its lights can be easily seen from the valley.  Anyway, my responsibility was to make sure that people touring the Temple got from the parking lot of a nearby LDS church up to the Temple and back -- safely.  Safely is the operative word here.

You see, I was working Wednesday evening.  Most of the LDS (at least in my area) know what that means -- Young Men/Young Women -- and there were a lot of youth groups there!  Most were quite well behaved as you might expect people visiting a holy place might be.  However there were a couple of exceptions...

The bus I was on was one of those where the seats were placed on the sides and faced inward, so it had a large aisleway.  Because the evenings are so busy, I was always the last one on, and always standing.  On one ride back down the hill from the Temple, one particularly brave teenage girl decided she was going to be brave and "surf" the aisle (or at least strike a pose like she was riding a surfboard).  Well, guess what?  When she was done and had stood up and turned around to say whatever to her friends (what do bus surfing teenage girls say, anyway), the bus driver braked to slow our ride down the hill.  So what happens then?  All you physics majors would know that a body in motion tends to stay in motion, so while the seats attached to the bus, people sitting in the seats attached to said bus, and the people holding onto something slowed down with the bus, this girl kept going forward.  Lucky for her, a few people reached out to rescue her, including yours truly.  No harm, no foul, no more surfing.

The other group involved the boys (gotta keep it fair here).  A couple of Young Men decided they needed to start a round of "The Wheels on the Bus".  They were quickly silenced by their adult leaders.  Frankly, I'm amazed there weren't more renditions of that song.  But at least they were there, and I hope they all learned and felt something they can keep with them.  I sure did.

"Global Warming Causes Snakes To Grow As Big As Buses!"

I can just see the headlines now.

According to this story in USA Today, scientists are talking about a 42 foot long snake fossil that was discovered in Colombia.  It is estimated to have lived about 58 million years ago and weighed 1 ton.  How did it get so big?  Well, scientists are hypothesizing that since a snake is a reptile and can't regulate its body temperature, it needed a warm environment to grow that large.  During the time that this snake lived, the earth was thought to have been very warm, with no ice at the poles, allowing these snakes to grow this big.  With the polar ice caps melting away, it won't be long now before these big dudes start appearing.  Annaconda anyone?

Oh, and just ignore the sentence near the end that says society wouldn't let a snake reach that size again.  It just makes for a better story that way.

Happy Birthday, Mac!

Being a Mac-addict and it being Super Bowl weekend, I thought I'd point out that 25 years ago during the Super Bowl, then Apple Computer aired a commercial for its new computer, the Macintosh.  And to think, some people thought Apple would not survive five years...

No matter your computer preference, there's a good chance you remember this commercial or have at least seen it.  However, here's a trivia question for you...

What other personal computer was advertised that Super Bowl featuring Bill Bixby as a pitchman?  Remember seeing that one?... I didn't think so. (Answer below the video)  

The computer Bill Bixby was pitching? Radio Shack.

This is one company I HOPE goes under

I can't believe anyone would deliberately send out food that could sicken or even kill people.  On the other hand, with the stories I read in the financial sector about billions in bonuses to execs, lavish parties on taxpayer dollars, and other such nonsense, why care about the health of US citizens?

Maybe we should stage an anti-peanut product strike 'til Peanut Corporation of America is history like *sniff* Mother's Cookies *sniff, sniff*.

Peanut butter company knew its products contained salmonella

An A's A.

So there I was with my son in the public library parking lot (not that the location matters, but I have to wonder where and why and how he comes up with this stuff) when we engage in a conversation that goes basically like this:

Son: "Dad, remember back when donkeys used to be called the 'A-word'?"

me:"Ummm... yes?  But you can still call the donkey 'the A-word', you know."

son:"But it's not nice to say the A-word."

me:"Okay."

son:"Then what do you call a donkey's behind?"

me:"Ummm... maybe a donkey's behind??"

son:"No!  You call it the A's A!  hahaha."

I guess it's comforting to know I have a fairly normal fourth grade boy...

You didn't use any credit cards between Thanksgiving and Christmas, did you?

Well, here's a slightly scary story.  According to this USA Today article, a company that processes 100 Million transactions a month for 175,000 merchants was hacked into in late 2008.  What's even scarier is that they don't know for how long the hack was there or how many people were affected.

Anyway, it might be a good idea for you to make sure there aren't any bogus charges on any of your cards.  (Of course, that's always a good idea. :) )

I ting I cod a code...

Oh, great.  Now they tell me.  I shoulda read this a few days ago...

Can a good night's sleep prevent a cold?

The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank*

Being a techno-geeky kind of guy, I've always thought the Holy Grail of computing jobs would be to work for Google.  I mean, if you look at their perks and benefits, you'd just start drooling -- well, okay, if you're a geek like me.  However, just to prove that not everything is as good as it seems, here's a little article about the negatives of working at Google (rather more a thread of mostly former employees so take it as you like) to get my head out of the clouds.

*My thanks to Erma Bombeck for this title.  Her writings always made me smile.

Coincidence?

Earlier today, I read about Reina Hardesty, a California 13-year old who sent 14,528 texts in one month!  (That's 470 per day!)  Luckily for her parents (or maybe not so luckily - depends on your point of view) they got Reina an unlimited texting option.  Otherwise the cost for her "habit" would have been somewhere around $3,000!

Coincidentally, earlier this evening I happened to get an email from Verizon Wireless containing this ad:

Hmmm... I wonder why I got that email when I did?...

"You're smarter when you're pink!"

So says Winnie-the-Pooh, from the movie Pooh's Grand Adventure.  Of course, it's mixed up as only Pooh can mix things up.  The real quote from Christopher Robin is "You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."  It's one of my favorite quotes.  What's the relevance here?  Nothing really, but I just read this story from USA Today saying that a new authorized Winnie-the-Pooh book is coming out called Return to the Hundred Acre Wood!  I've always loved Winnie-the-Pooh, and probably always will.  My kids say I do a better Eeyore than Eeyore. :)

Anyway, can't wait for October!

Handle with Care

Last evening I was at my local UPS Store, shipping a package.  I noticed some rolls of bubble wrap for sale.  So I had a thought -- "What do they ship bubble wrap in so it doesn't get damaged in transit?"  

Come on, don't try to tell me you've never had that thought before...

"Utahk about a team!"

A great article (well, of course I'm biased) about who the real national champs in college football are.

Yes, I'm addicted. Got a problem with that?

And apparently, a number of others are addicted as well.

What's the drug?  Facebook.  According to this Facebook blog post, there are now 150 MILLION members, and what's more, almost half use Facebook every day!  Wow.

Powered by Energizer Bunny*

*no relation to this bloggin' bunny

Two years ago, I wrote this post about the amazin' Mars rovers Spirit and Opportunity.  At the time, they were celebrating three years when they were expected to last only three months.  Well, this month they are celebrating their... umm, let's see, that's two years ago plus three years makes... fifth anniversary tooling around the Martian surface.  Whoop!  Whoop!

Now that your brain's done vacating over the holidays...

...give yourself a little challenge to see if you can solve some of these math problems.

Okay, okay, so they're not your normal math problems.  If you have some ideas, DARPA is ready to hand out some research grants.  Here are just a couple of the problems they'd like you to work on:

• Biological Quantum Field Theory: Quantum and statistical methods have had great success modeling virus evolution. Can such techniques be used to model more complex systems such as bacteria? Can these techniques be used to control pathogen evolution?
  
• The Mathematics of Quantum Computing, Algorithms, and Entanglement: In the last century we learned how quantum phenomena shape our world. In the coming century we need to develop the mathematics required to control the quantum world.
  
• Settle the Smooth Poincare Conjecture in Dimension 4: What are the implications for space-time and cosmology? And might the answer unlock the secret of "dark energy"?
  

These and many other perplexing problems are awaiting YOU to solve them.  So get going!

Congrats to the Utes!

Winners of the 2009 Sugar Bowl -- 31-17 over (soon to be formerly) #4 Alabama.

Salt Lake Tribune: Sugar Bowl: Utes stun 'Bama with dominating win

Happy New Year!

Hey, I gotta start out the new year with something, don't I? :)